damn...its been long...well a lots happened since my last entry....and i mean a lot...and i wish that some of the things that happened never happened.....GOD....yet again...my life's just one big roller coater of shitty problems!!!!! just one question....are all guys assholes or are they just naturally fucked up???!!!! ill never know the answer...maybe there is no answer...anyway....pain is soooo inspiring...ive learned that from a friend and myself....pain inspired me to do sooo much....both bad and good things....the bad im trying to contol and the good...well hopefully it goes all the way...i know you're out there...oh please....find me...or let me find you....rescue me from this hell hole....im burning....im scared that i wont find you....im scared that when i do find you, my heart's sooo torn apart that there wont be any left for you.....

“FORBIDDEN”

You….I want to forget
You….who I should regret

I try and try yet
You’re still on my mind
Your sweet satisfaction
I try to find

Why can’t you just go away?
No…wait…I’m sorry…
I want you to stay

Do you know how much
pain I feel?
But don’t worry this
Will eventually heal

You know I believed you
When you said you loved me
I’m so stupid…..
I didn’t want to see





They said I’m crazy for
Still loving you
They need not say it,
I already knew

I begged god to help
Wipe the tears
Yet it doesn’t reach
His ears

Truth be told
There is no shame
But I’m not the only
One to blame

The once red heart
I gave
Is now in a ditch,
A dark dirty grave

Whoever your with now,
I hope you’re happy
Cuz’ I know you’ve
Already forgotten me
(For me it’s not so easy)



I know it’s about time
I let you go
So I’m moving on,
But it’ll be slow

This goodbye is
From me to you
So hard to say,
Yet so true

For this feeling in my heart
Should be kept hidden
Because it’s so hard it’s
Forbidden!!!!

like i always say....."never fall in love unless you are sure you are ready to get hurt" fallin' in love is like faith..."a leap in the dark"....i risked my "heart" (drama!!!) so many times and im afraid its been scared so bad that there's nothing left to tear off....i try to hide the pain but.....it just hurts even more...i look at the bright side but then i dnt see anything bright about it.....but my friends are always there to help and cheer me up...thanks guys...especially fallen angel...u guys help me to wake up in the morning......well im tired of this mushy shit....

just recently...i realized that everywhere i look i see that everybody is in love...even my freinds...they come to me with stories about their boyfriends....girlfriends....crushes.....when i walk down the road there would be people holding hands and i try not to look but they're like a big black spot on a white cloth..VERY IRRITATING... same thing goes for the couples who eat together in restaurants and feed each other....i guess to sum it up......why cant i have found someone by now....its been 5 months and still im stuck on him....i thought i was rid of this feeling but his face has been popping in my head for the past week.....and everything reminds me of him...i mean everyting....i guess im also jealous.....what i want is to feel this for someone else...not HIM!!!!!!! i ask god(not directly) why cant i forget him.....he still hasnt answered.....like usher said..."u got it bad"....for me....bad doesn't even begin to describe it....

well i just realized.....with a help of a friend....that i attract "FUCKED UP" guys....and im trying to find out why....?????? my last bf is an addict, drop out, chain smoker, and alcoholic....a guy that courted me only did so because he thought he could get me in the sack and he failed to mention that he had a gf....another guy got my number cuz i was wearing a shirt that exposed my"chest"....and so many more humiliating and shity experiences.....for once, i would just like to have a "normal" relationship with at least an honest person....and thats not all folks....my relationship with my parents its starting to go down hill again.........i guess all i need to do now is take a knife.....